Exhausted

I'm trying to stay positive. Let's just say that today is a bad day.

Yesterday I had to host a party for a girl I don't particularly like. But it was her 40th and she had asked hubby if she could use the backyard to host. He said yes, and just like that - I'm roped in. I made over 100 jello shots for the party, anticipating at least 20 guests, not including myself, hubby, the bday girl and her brood.

I was wrong. There was a total of 11 of us. I felt really bad for her, especially when it's happened to me before. One year, bestie took me out to a bar where eight people, out of the invited 40 showed up. We had to go to our regular bar to catch up with my other friends, who'd forgotten all about the party.

I know how heartbreaking it can be. But she seemed to have fun. Which I guess is the main point. I didn't sleep very well, so I'm exhausted today. And to top it off, I've TOTALLY veered off my diet - having no shake for breakfast, instead having one donut, two cheesecake pops and a coffee. I feel gross. And I hate myself. Mainly because I also know I'm going to have no choice but to eat crap at work today.

I don't want to go to work. But I feel damn guilty over everyone who's been working their asses off this summer. On nights when I don't work, I try not to tweet anything, because I don't want to deal with the crap that I know will either be said behind my back or to my face. Most of it behind my back.

And then there's a friend of mine who's currently living in a shelter. His mom kicked him out, which seems pretty harsh, but it was the only way to light a fire under his ass. I adore him - he's one of my best friends. I am doing everything I can to help him out, but I feel like he is my responsibility and I don't want it.  I can barely take care of myself. I don't have the strength right now to take care of him too.

Like me, he's tried to keep a positive attitude - but unlike me he hasn't tried very hard. It lasts for about an hour, and then he allows his situation to get him down. And there are days I can't take it. Like tomorrow is a holiday and apparently the libraries are closed. He goes to the library during the day to have something to do. So what's he going to do tomorrow? Hopefully go to his dad's place to hang out a bit. But I feel like I should pick him up and do something with him, and I just can't.

I can't be everything to everyone. I have to be everything to ME first. And since I've put others ahead of myself my whole life, I think now I might be entitled to think of me once in awhile.

Ok, now that I've said all that, I think it's time to try and clean this house. And find out which roads are closed to get to work. And make sure I've got everything I need.

Can I just go back to bed?