AAAARRRRGGHHHH!

I feel like Charlie Brown when he stares up at the sky and just lets one loose.

I really can't take much more of my life. But in order to change it, I'd probably have to hurt someone I really do love. Hubby. Because I don't know what's going to happen to us when I snap. And make no mistake about it, I'm going to.

In order of what's been bugging me:

First off - NOT PREGNANT. Not sure if that upsets me or not - reasons why, see previous post.

My weight. It's no big secret that I'm fat. It's no big secret that I'm depressed. So it should be no big secret and no surprise to anyone that I've done sweet fuck all the last month and a half. I've been away from the gym for two months. But now it's no longer just because I'm sad and tired. I'm feeling like crap and if even walking from one end of the building to the other to get to my car is causing me to have breathing issues, what is it going to be like on a treadmill? That terrifies me.

Last night, my mom said that I HAD looked like I'd been losing weight, but now it looks like I've been gaining it back. And I freaked out. Not only because I was sad and hurt that she'd say that, but because she's right. I don't have to get on a scale to know that. I can feel it. I can see it on me. And I'm grossed out and disgusted by it.

And it's affecting everything I do. I even hate sex. ME. I never thought I'd say that, and I'll only admit it here. But I don't enjoy it anymore. Writing about it too - actually, writing about anything. My brain has shut down completely to be honest. It's even hard to get out the words for this entry. My other blog hasn't been written in in about two months. TWO MONTHS. How can I call myself a writer if I can't even keep up with a blog?

Anyway, when mom and I had our little freak out - I went to Hubby afterwards. And him and I fought. TBH I can't take much more fighting. It's all we do - about everything. After dinner (pizza because God for-fucking-bid he cooks anything while I'm at work right?) when we went to bed, he fell asleep fast, as he usually does. But I've never been one to fall right to sleep. It's a rare occasion when it happens, and it's something that I need pills for. I take melatonin because it's natural. But it doesn't always work.

Hubby's a symphony of sounds, and when I'm tired, my hearing is super sensitive. He snores - LOUDLY (and might I add refuses to try anything to stop it or temper it), he mumbles in his sleep, AND he hacks up a lung on a nightly basis. This is from his smoking. And he usually makes these noises when he's facing me. PLUS he hogs the bed. He claims I do, but I took a picture last night and he was attempting to lay diagonal. I miss my own room. Or I wish we had gone for the king size bed. (I know I've said this all before but it's my blog and I'll repeat if I want to).

Anyway, between the arguments with both him and mom, and the fact that I couldn't find a comfy breathing/sleeping position, and with all the voices in my head screaming and yelling, not to mention Hubby's "concert", I felt seriously like I was going to kill someone. I was about fifteen seconds away from getting out of bed and going for a drive. And again, I'm an adult, I should be able to do that. Like I should be able to do whatever I want. But again, can't because of HIM.

I know the obvious solution is to split up. But I love him. I think. Anyway, that's something to be examined for another day.

Now, onto the work shit bothering me.

We have one girl, who's been made a supervisor, who hasn't even been WITH the company for a year. But she got the position. Meanwhile, I've been there going on nine years, and not once have I been asked to take a supervisory role. She has no credentials, not even a background in our industry. She was found as a coat check girl at a BAR and recruited from there.

So those of us who have more seniority have to listen to her sometimes. But we all know she got her promotion on her knees. She has no respect from the staff, only other supervisors and that's cuz she's got a relatively nice rack. She has barely any people who respect her in this company. And it's getting to the point where I almost threw myself under the bus by going to the boss and demanding that he revoke her supervisor status, because it's simply not fair to those of us who have been working for the company for years and never even got a shot at turning it down. (Not like I'd want to be a supervisor - more headaches and no perks. Not even additional pay.  But it would be nice to have someone ask me if I wanted the position. It would tell me that they have faith in what I do, that I'm good at my job.) But I was asked not to by someone very important to me. She said she needs me there, and doesn't want to see me fired. So I'll keep my mouth shut, bite my tongue, and hope that karma does her job and this bitch gets a kick in the head.

And the other job, the lousy day one that I'm currently at while I'm typing this - I really need to find a different job. A better one. With more hours - better benefits. And better pay. And room for advancement.

I need a purpose in life. A real one. Maybe a child would have been my salvation. Maybe that's what I need. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry. I want to be happy. I can't remember what happy feels like to be honest. When I ask myself the last time I was truly happy, do you know that I can't remember? I think maybe the day I got married. Fourteen years ago. WOW. A long time to be miserable, doncha think?

I think, sometimes, maybe I need medication. But I don't want that. I know that I can improve things on my own. I haven't lost all hope yet. I just need someone to push me in that direction - unfortunately I need someone to hold my hand. I need to be accountable. I tried that with weight watchers. It only worked for a little while. I should be going to OA meetings. But I really don't think that's the right place for me. I do need to get a handle on my relationship with food. I know that laziness is at the very heart of it.

I have all the tools to do this - to get it right. Just not as much time as I thought I had. I'm going to be 40 in a year and a half. I have to step it up  now - i'm not living the second half of my life like I lived the first - lazy, in fear and too tired or sick to do anything fun.

Sound motivated enough? I hope so. I hope it keeps. I hope it kicks me in the ass every day. But I doubt it.


I guess I should try and look like I'm doing work here. Don't know why I bother though. I'm not fooling anyone.