Honesty - is such a lonely word

So, this blog is about honesty. And in reality, it's also harder to be honest on here than it is if I was, say, talking to a shrink.

My best friend of 30+ years just had her first child. She's my idol. She's beautiful, athletic, intelligent, with a killer sense of style, and her personality is gold. She's unrivaled in anyone I've ever met. Next to her, I'm the dumpy, dumb, sidekick you always see in the movies. But she's never treated me that way. She never planned on having kids, or even getting married. So I was content with the way things were with me. Her and I could be the crazy aunts and bring the kids to R rated movies, fill 'em full of sugar, and then send them back to their parents. But suddenly, she IS the parent.

Holding my beautiful new niece in my arms brought me to a few realizations and truths. The first of which is, as much as I'd like to (and as much as I will) blame hubby for the fact we don't have children, the fault lies with me. I could have easily started losing weight earlier on. I could have insisted we set up a budget to get our own place. I could have just gotten pregnant. But I didn't do any of those things, because I refused to grow up.

In the last three months, I've found out that friends are pregnant, four friends have given birth, and life seems to be settling down for everyone. And when I hold those children in my arms, those tiny newborns that have given their parents a new reason for living, my heart breaks, because I know that my time has run out. And it is really all my fault.

It's a hard truth to realize. I'm going to grow old alone with no one to take care of me. And being the crazy aunt, when you're younger, is great. It's when you get older and you're the crazy, senile, lonely aunt that life gets to be unbearable.

I'm not even going to have a partner. My husband hates me. And it's another hard truth to realize that I caused that as well. I had to take everything to the extreme. I pushed him away so far, he doesn't want to find his way back. Yes, he's to blame for certain things. But in the end, I did go too far. And I can't blame him for keeping his distance.

So, in the spirit of honesty, I have to admit that my marriage is over. And that too, is my fault. I want to be with someone who's happy to see me. Someone who smiles when I come into the room. I need a partner that will hold me when they know I'm having an ultimately shitty day, not just touch me when they want to get into my pants. I want someone who will sing silly songs to me, or who will just want to be with me. He doesn't anymore. In fact, he doesn't even smile when he sees me.

He's got such a gorgeous smile. He needs to smile more. And I can't do it for him.

I've said this before - I know I have. But I've been holding on, just hoping that things will change. But honestly, I'm not sure that this is what I really want. I'm just not good at letting go - of anything. Even when I re-read my blog entries, here and on other ones, it's a vicious circle of repetitive crap. Because I can't be like others and just purge and let go. I don't know why. Writing is supposed to be therapeutic for me, but it's not proving to be. Not the way it was before.

I feel, that since I've made this big sacrifice to my life - not having kids - i should be HONORING that sacrifice by really living instead of just floating from day to day like I have been. I should be traveling and making memories. Since there's nothing to really tie me down. But I need a better job that will allow me to save money to do that. By the time that happens, I could be ready for retirement. How bad would that suck?

I'm great at making plans, making lists. My lists are detailed, make sense and if they ever got implemented, my life would probably be a whole lot better. But I suck on the follow through. So my to-do lists remain undone, and yet they still grow.

I think I need to work on that.

I think that's all the honesty I can handle for today. I've had a few crying jags. I've had a few breakdowns. I just want to spend a week sleeping.

And honestly - that's about all I want right now.