Maybe some important stuff - I'm not sure anymore

I seriously think I might lose it. I'm not kidding. I'm surprised I haven't by now to be honest. With everything the last two years have thrown at me, I'm really honestly surprised I'm not a babbling mass of goo somewhere in a padded room with a cute white coat.

But I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much stronger I can be. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of my life. And wasn't that the whole point of this? To change my life. I try. I really do. For the first time in my life, I'm trying, even if it's getting hard. But it's getting to the point where it's too hard. It's just not fair. Well, I mean, I guess it is in it's own way. Life's not fair, so therefore it's fair. Because it's not fair for everyone. It's an equal thing - a balance if you will.

But some people are just able to focus, put aside all the bullshit and get through it to their goals. If I could just keep my focus, I think I'd be ok. But right now, I'm not. Just when I think I'm on the right track, life throws a giant obstacle on the track, and I have to derail or crash.

Like my food choices are back to being HORRIBLE. And I have no excuse for them, except that it seems a waste to cook for just me. But if hubby and I split up, I'm going to have to cook for myself anyway right? So it's a good practise to get into. The trouble is that I'm so exhausted when I walk in the house lately, all I do is flop in front of the television. And it's been three weeks since I've been to the gym. I'm so damn frustrated with myself I just want to scream and hide away.

Sometimes I just don't see the point. So I sit and watch tv. And then I get depressed. I mean, I know it's fake, don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. But some nights, I can't help but wonder if I'd had a show like Glee around when I was going through all my bullshit in high school, if somehow my life wouldn't be different today. I see Lea Michele's character of Rachel Berry as someone *I* was. Just not as driven. So, if I'd had this show around, and role models on tv like that instead of the getting-knocked-up-and-growing-up-fast type I'd had, would I have pushed myself?

Maybe. I'd like to think so. But I guess I'll never know, will I? The question is, do I allow her to be a role model to me now? Despite the fact that she's younger, do I take all that inspiration and move on to the second part of my life with the desire and dedication it'll take to get to where I want?

Or do I just accept that this crap shoot is my life? That I'm not special like I wanted to be? Do I accept that I'll never do anything brilliantly creative except sit in front of the television while my ass gets bigger and my second heart attack becomes inevitable?

I can't. But I don't know whether or not I have the courage to push as hard as I need to. Last night I went to bed convinced of the path I need to take, so sure that I'd be able to just jump into the routine I need and soon enough I'd be where I want. It's a great idea when you're in bed, and tomorrow is fresh, bright and new, but when the new day comes...well, resolve tends to crumble in the light of day.

I'm going to try. I'm really going to this time. I've never really succeeded at anything. I need to - it's about time in my life that I get to where I'm going. Or at least make an effort at the journey.

I need to make a break in some areas of my life. I don't know if I can - those are the scariest in the world. Letting go of things that you love - of people that you love. I've had to lose and let go of so many in the past two years without a choice, I don't know if I can willingly let go of others. Some days I'm just tempted to leave it all behind - my family, these two dead end jobs, my friends and so-called-friends (sometimes it's hard to tell who's who) - and just take off. A clean break from everything and starting over. People have done it before.

But I'm too much of a coward to do that. And in reality, my true friends are those I could never leave. And i really could never leave my family. Maybe if dad was still around - maybe if Janis had a reliable man in her life. Maybe if someone was able to take care of mom. But those are impossibilities and not even worth thinking about I guess.

Makes me wonder if it's worth having dreams sometimes. Am I off on another tangent? Yeah I guess I am.

Time to do something. Don't know what. But something.

Balance

I read an article today on Hello Giggles (an AMAZING website run by three amazing women - don't just click the link and read the article, browse the site) about PASSION. And after confessing to a few of hers, the author asks "What's YOUR passion?" And especially the way I've been feeling lately, it's like she wrote it just for me.

The truth is, I have many passions. All of them creative, all of them making up the very core of who I am. Some are yet unexplored due to monetary issues - such as my passion for traveling (although I don't know if that's so much a passion as a desire). But most of them I have experience with, just not enough drive. Does that make me less passionate about these things?

I don't know.

Example: I LOVE to perform. And I'm good. I'm not bragging; I'm stating a fact. I am the best talent you will never see. Because my skin isn't thick enough. I'm too sensitive. At least I was when I had the opportunity to do something with it. I acted. I did a show called Tony and Tina's Wedding. I've done an independent film - never did find out what happened to it. I've done extra work. I auditioned for Mamma Mia, and Rock of Ages. I'm not the best singer in the world, but I've got more heart than a lot of the singers that are getting record contracts.

See, at my age now, I know what I didn't back then. And while I'm still sensitive, I do believe I have the thick skin that the business requires. After all, who else do you know that wanted to audition for American Idol just so Simon Cowell could turn them down? Just me. But am I too old at 38? And what about my marriage? Do I drag him into the world of cattle call auditions, uncertainty and never being sure where my next paycheck is coming from? Or do I accept that I am too old, and it's a foolish dream?

I'm passionate about writing. I've been published. I haven't written the novel I've always planned on - yet. And I question if I'm good enough to produce a full-length novel. Or should I stick with the erotic shorts that I've had published? I seem to have better success that way.

I'm passionate about my family and friends. If I could give them my last cent, I would, just to make sure they're all taken care of. I'd gladly live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life if I could guarantee their futures.

I love school. I love taking courses to better my future. My problem is my brain can't concentrate on one thing for very long. Which is something that I need to address health wise. Maybe with my doctor. 

I feel old. I feel too old. Too old to start losing the weight I need to. Too old to even bother being passionate about anything anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. But sometimes, it takes too much energy to fight it.

I titled this post Balance - because I need to find it. And I don't know how. But I know that the only way I'll be able to really follow my passions, follow my dreams, is to find the balance in my life. Part of me thinks it starts by being organized. I wish I was - I try so hard to be. But it's like anything in my life. Once it starts to be like work, I give up. When I was a kid, I was amazing at everything - piano, soccer, jazz, tap, ballet, school...but once it started to require effort, I gave up.

Ideally, I'd like my days to look something like this:

6:00 -  out of bed, bright eyed and busy tailed and ready to face the day

6:30 - at the gym, ready for a quick invigorating workout, a shower and my morning shake

7:30 - out the door on my way to a job I love

8 - 5 - be a productive and incredibly organized asset to an amazing company where I get to flex my creative muscles and am appreciated for my insights and efforts

5:30 - arrive at home, change, tidy the bedroom, throw in a load of laundry and pour a glass of wine, with a delicious, healthy dinner simmering on the stove.

6:30 - dinner eaten (not in front of the television), and settling in for an hour to an hour and a half of consistent writing.

8:00 - off the computer to watch favourite tv shows while folding laundry, or checking out postings on audition boards for the weekends.

10:30 - a quick once over through the house, replacing out of place things, and then to bed, to read for half an hour only.

11:30 - fall into a deep, even slumber with sweet dreams


Are you laughing your ass off? Cuz I am. It's ridiculous. No one's day goes like that - no matter how much planning goes into it.

Realistically, I'd like my day to have time during my day to do the following:

• a quick work out
• job searching
• tidying the house (including laundry)
• an hour of writing  (at least)
• watching a favourite show or two (not ten - which takes time away from the above)
• cook a semi-nutritious meal

I know, that with my schedule now, there's no reason this can't happen. I know it can be done. And from there, it can move into a more "grown up" version of all of the above. Maybe once I get that together, I won't feel so old, I won't be so tired. And maybe I'll have the energy to follow my dreams.

And maybe, just maybe, one day you'll see me on your screen - big or small - or on a stage near you. You won't be able to miss me. I'll be the one glowing with the light of a dream come true.

Ok so the pic is badly shopped - I'm no expert! 

More random ramblings from the other side of sanity

So went shopping across the border with the family this weekend. Which turned into a nightmare for me. I must have tried on about 100 things in my favourite store - which we don't have here in Canada - and came out of there with two tops, a thong and a belt. EVERYTHING looked absolutely horrid on me. Which led me to a serious depression bout. Which normally leads to me binge eating, and down south, there is a HELL of a lot to binge on. So many sweet and salty things we don't have here, and the types of alcohol? Let's just say I would be at least a hundred pounds heavier and an alcoholic if I lived down there.

Amazingly enough though, I didn't really do the binging. I ate a grilled chicken sandwich for lunch that day, with two forkfuls of poutine. I brought my powder with me to do my shakes and did one that morning as well, so I was still going pretty good. Dinner came along (Cheesecake Factory), and I only ate half of my meatloaf sandwich - not for any altruistic reason though, it genuinely sucked.

I couldn't do my shake yesterday morning though. I was just too damn hungry. So I feel like a bit of a failure, especially since I haven't hit the gym in days. I think Tuesday last week was the last day I went. Maybe. I have to keep better track of it.

So I'm kind of down on myself today. And frustrated. And tired. I didn't do a proper shake this morning since I woke up late and had to rush to get ready for work. And I left my gym stuff at home cuz I cleared out my car so I could use my gym bag for my ipad and stuff for the weekend. Even if I had it, I'm too exhausted to go anyway. Which concerns me. I did have a few problems breathing this weekend. And a sudden, sharp pain in my abdomen. Mom said it was my kidneys. But it was the first time that had ever happened, and it hasn't happened since.

I kind of feel like I'm drowning in Should be's - I SHOULD BE looking for another job, I SHOULD BE going to the gym, I SHOULD BE doing more writing, SHOULD BE, SHOULD BE SHOULD BE.... it's all stuff I want to do. I know that if I budget my time better, I'd be able to. I think we'd be so much better off if we threw out our tv. Or at least cancelled our cable. And internet. It's nothing but a time waster. But I love those time wasters. :P It's a nasty habit I know. I feel like I SHOULD BE a more productive human being.

I know it's all about balance. And the funny thing is, today is Tuesday. I started this entry yesterday - and it will post under Monday's date. But I couldn't even be bothered to go home and finish this entry.

It's funny - but I'm not laughing.  I do have an entry for today - maybe it'll make a little more sense than this one.

Ranting

I have to ask forgiveness right now. This might be nasty, it might be awful, it will get ugly before it's done. But if I don't get this all off my chest, I think I might just have that nuclear meltdown that's been threatening to happen for years. It's directed at one person, who will probably never make it here, but I don't care.

YES I SCREWED UP. There. Are you happy to see that? Hear it? Know I know it? I'm not stupid, or delusional. I know I messed things up. And I know it's completely juvenile to say "You started it." But you did. And I guess you were more adept at making up for screw ups, because you did the best you could. But the point is, you still screwed up. No one had ever hurt me that badly. You cheated on me, with my best friend, while we were newlyweds. Your excuse was you weren't getting what you needed at home. I had barely had time to adjust to being a wife. I did nothing wrong EXCEPT agree to let YOUR BEST FRIEND stay with us. In our bachelor apartment. On our couch. Two feet from our bed.

I wasn't a kinky girl back then. I hadn't had a lot of experience with guys. Ok, that's a bit of a lie. I had slept with a lot of guys. But it was all straightforward. Certainly nothing to write to Penthouse about - well, except that one threesome. But I wasn't an exhibitionist. Fucking with someone on the couch two feet away made me intensely uncomfortable. But you refused to throw him out. Sure, you moved him to the closet, but he was still there.

By the time he left, our sex life had suffered, and you had gone and done things behind my back that made me sick. You twisted something inside of me. And sure, maybe it was my responsibility to untwist it. Maybe I should have gone to therapy. Maybe I should have forgotten about it. I even watched the damn tape with the three of you because I didn't want to be a "poor sport". Like that's what it was - a sport. Something fun to do just for the hell of it. Fuck how it made me feel, fuck how it made me look.

I wasn't like her. I wasn't an exhibitionist. I wasn't a whore for the taking. I didn't do stuff like bring guys home to be with me while you watched. I know that's what you want - but it's not me. I talk a good game. I write a better one. But it's not, at my core, who I am. You took all that I wasn't and used it against me. And you continue to do so. Only now it's open to include everything about who I am, and what I'm not.

You continuously hurt me, with your sarcastic laughs, with your blank stares, with your indifference. You don't hesitate to tell me you don't give a shit about me. And you know what? I know that. I know you're only around still to help with mom. And because you don't have to pay rent. It's a (practically) free ride for you. People told me that - some of whom are those you consider friends. They told me you'd never leave as long as the ride continues. I never wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that somewhere inside, you didn't want to leave because you still love me and you believe in us.

But you don't. You don't support me in anything I do. You want to keep me fat and unhealthy. I don't know why. I do everything possible to make you happy - except the one thing you desperately want from me. You want me to get rid of everyone that even remotely came between us. You want me to ditch all my friends from Northwest. You want me to ditch all my old club friends - June, Josh, Meaghan, Bhavna, Lisa, Brad, Amy, Jenn, Todd, Ariel, Eric, etc. But Josh especially. Because you feel threatened. Because of something you found WHILE SNOOPING. Funny how you thought that *I* deserved what I found when I snooped. But me writing that letter - just plain horrible of me. When its' the same damn thing. Only, here's the only thing I can think of. You're worried it's real, because, in reality, so were your conversations with Michele. So if YOURS were real, who's to say this letter wasn't right?

Nothing I do makes you proud. Do you know how discouraging it is knowing that you accomplished something major and yet the person you pledged to spend the rest of your life with isn't proud of you for doing it? Or being halfway to a goal, and getting no encouragement at all, because YOU don't like my choice of schools? Because somewhere in your mind, I'm still young enough to give a shit about having an affair? What you don't realize is that it's not the physical shit that's going to do that - it's the emotional abuse you put me through. I could probably resign myself to falling in love with my gay best friend. Sure, there'd be no sex, but I can guarantee he'd make it known to me if he was proud of me, he'd listen to my problems and care about what I'm going through. He'd hold me when I cry, he'd be behind me, supporting me.

Sex - while important to me -I can do without. You really want to know why I don't want sex with you? Because no woman in love wants to have sex with someone who just wants her body. I don't have sex with men who can't stand me. And you just don't get that. I'm not 20 anymore. Sex needs to mean something to me. And when I have it with you - I know it's just because you're horny and I'm an available body that you want. Our hearts an minds don't connect anymore because you've shut yours down and shut me out.

You don't care when I cry - and that's fine. Most of the time I do it without you around anyway. Just admit - you don't love me anymore. We can't even be friends. And then go. Because it's killing me to have you here with this attitude. I want to be happy. Somehow. And I know you want that too.

If you're waiting for me to admit that I've had an affair - you're not going to hear it. There are days I want to say that I have, just so you'll leave. Because you're not here for us - you're not here to make things work. You're here to destroy me. Because you're vindictive. You read into everything I do as being against you. It's not meant that way. It's just how your mind is working. And it has to stop, because it's not healthy for you.

I don't want you to die. I don't want to die. But it's funny. The changes I'm making in my life, you can't accept. And if I happen to fall off the wagon for anything, you're right there to judge me. As if you're saying "See? I knew you couldn't do it." Before you, with Kevin, I ate fast food a lot. And now I do with you too. So of course it's going to take a long time to break bad habits. But I'm at least trying. You, you really don't want to bother. And when I do try, you do nothing but put me down.

I work two jobs to try and bring in enough money. Even when i was working full time, I still worked two jobs. I'm going to the gym - I'm taking my pills. I quit smoking. I am going to school. I am  TRYING to make a life. You don't want to have one - you don't want a future. We have nothing put aside for the future. We have no insurance. We have NOTHING. And I'm not satisfied with that anymore. And if you are, maybe you should leave.

No, not maybe. You should leave. You'll be happier without me. Find some young broad who doesn't care about a future. She'll screw your brains out seven ways from Sunday and do every kinky thing you want. And I'll go on. I'll cry over you, miss you like crazy, lose my weight, finish my certificate, get a better job, be healthier than I have in years and find someone to have a baby with.

Because I want one. I want yours. But you've made it quite clear how you feel about that. And that's ok. I'll find someone. I don't have to love them with all my heart to be a parent with them. Hell, might even go artificial. I have a good family. They'll help me. I've got great friends. They'll help me. Because THEY love me.

And you no longer do.

There's still so much inside me that needs to come out on this. But I just can't find it in there. So instead, I'll say this.

I'm sorry. For every time I made you feel like you weren't good enough to spend time with. For every time I chose to be out of the house instead of with you. For every time I kept a secret, or lied to spare myself the fight.

I'm sorry for every time I told the truth and you didn't believe me. I'm sorry for thinking some things weren't a big deal, when they obviously were to you. For the double standards I had when it came to our money, our actions, our friends. For leaving you with the responsibilities of the house while I partied.

I'm sorry for not having children by now, and for laying the responsibility for that at your feet. I'm sorry for waiting for you to take care of me, and I'm sorry it's taken me this long to take care of myself.

I'm sorry for every time I've turned an argument around and put it on you. I'm sorry I made you feel inadequate in the sex department. I'm sorry I haven't told you until this rant what the issue is. But since you'll never read it, and since you've proven you can't sit down and have an adult conversation with me, I'm sorry you'll never know.

I'm sorry you feel I don't support you enough. I'm sorry you feel that I'm just using you. I'm sorry for us growing apart. For the fact you feel our values aren't the same anymore.

I'm sorry you can't support me on anything I want to do, whether it's a trip to see Gowan, or my schooling. Or even reading anything I write that I ASK you to read, not what you find through snooping. And I'm sorry for all the times I've snooped in your phone. I'm sorry for any conclusions I've jumped to.

I'm sorry for not appreciating what you used to do around the house, especially now that you hardly do shit. And I'm sorry for the little catty remarks I have to make sometimes or else I'll explode into little tiny pieces of nuclear waste.

Above all, I'm sorry for wasting so many years of your life. I should have left you when I found out about Tami. Then we wouldn't be here, in this spot, wondering how to get out of this mess intact.

We can't. I know I'll be destroyed. And yes, I might be happier without you around. This you - but my memory still holds on to who you used to be. And I've been miserable since I chased him away. I know it's my fault.

And for that most of all, for turning you into this suspicious, nasty, catty, sarcastic, unfeeling shell of a man, I cannot apologize enough.

I hope one day we can both forgive me for that.

I have to stop this - my left arm is numb and my jaw is killing me from clenching while writing. The tension I carry is getting to me. Something has to give.

List after list after list...

Ok, so I'm going to go crazy. I have list upon list upon list of things to do and say and be and....GAH! My initial to do list is so long, Gene Simmons tongue is jealous. And then there's lists that branch off from the main to-do list.

SO. MANY. LISTS.

First off, yesterdays trip to the gym was less than stellar. Yes, I made it there, but came off the treadmill seven minutes before the end of my scheduled thirty. Don't know why - felt very weird yesterday. Had to force myself to go. But couldn't force myself to stay that last seven minutes.

I feel like I'm not doing myself any good just by doing my walking. I know I should get on the machines, but in truth, they scare me. Not because they'll harm me. I have an anxiety attack just looking at them. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't know what I'm doing, or maybe because I'm alone when I'm there? I just get a really oogy feeling when I walk by them. I know I have to get over that. One thing at a time.

I'm getting a little concerned because my left forearm has been giving me some issues. Nothing major - just tingling and minor pain. I will go see a doctor. I just want to lose a LITTLE bit of weight before I do. I want to show him I'm working on it - for real this time. Most of the other times I've tried, I've quit when it's become too hard. I'm not quitting this time. I'm just sorry that I wasted so much of my life just accepting what I was instead of striving to change it.

I have one item left for my final project for class, and then it's DONE. And then time to choose my next class. Not to mention galleys from Alison to proof and then return. Three short submissions due by next Wednesday. And then Sommer's zombie call - and it's barely started. THAT'S due at the end of the month.

I feel like this: (and since I couldn't find a clip for it I'll just have to give you the line). It's from the Princess Bride - when Humperdink and Tyrone are talking by the tree:

"Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped."

It's how I feel. I'm going completely insane with the amount of work I have to do. Not to mention how completely broke I am. This month is a bad month to be broke - Mom's 65th, Nanny's 85th, Diane's birthday, Tami's 40th. Yep. And me without a ton of hours from Northwest because I didn't think ahead and plan out my days off better. AND we're going to Buffalo this weekend. First time without dad

I really am not feeling well again. Don't know what's going on with me. It's not one particular thing. Nothing hurts, nothing really aches. But there's a dull...something behind my skin that I just don't get. But I think two days at the gym in a row is good. I'll take today off and go tomorrow. Assuming we don't get the monsoon we're expecting. I need to get my inner "goddess" in line. And I need to finish this project, otherwise my GPA is going to fall so low, there'll be no saving it, at least not in this lifetime.

So, skipping the gym today wouldn't be too big of a disaster. As long as I PROMISE myself that I'm going tomorrow. Which I will do. And as long as I get things at home accomplished, which I will do. 

And since this blog post is all over the damn place, I'll just settle for saying see ya soon folks. (Pshaw - yeah like anyone's reading this anyway).

Later!

Exhausted

I'm trying to stay positive. Let's just say that today is a bad day.

Yesterday I had to host a party for a girl I don't particularly like. But it was her 40th and she had asked hubby if she could use the backyard to host. He said yes, and just like that - I'm roped in. I made over 100 jello shots for the party, anticipating at least 20 guests, not including myself, hubby, the bday girl and her brood.

I was wrong. There was a total of 11 of us. I felt really bad for her, especially when it's happened to me before. One year, bestie took me out to a bar where eight people, out of the invited 40 showed up. We had to go to our regular bar to catch up with my other friends, who'd forgotten all about the party.

I know how heartbreaking it can be. But she seemed to have fun. Which I guess is the main point. I didn't sleep very well, so I'm exhausted today. And to top it off, I've TOTALLY veered off my diet - having no shake for breakfast, instead having one donut, two cheesecake pops and a coffee. I feel gross. And I hate myself. Mainly because I also know I'm going to have no choice but to eat crap at work today.

I don't want to go to work. But I feel damn guilty over everyone who's been working their asses off this summer. On nights when I don't work, I try not to tweet anything, because I don't want to deal with the crap that I know will either be said behind my back or to my face. Most of it behind my back.

And then there's a friend of mine who's currently living in a shelter. His mom kicked him out, which seems pretty harsh, but it was the only way to light a fire under his ass. I adore him - he's one of my best friends. I am doing everything I can to help him out, but I feel like he is my responsibility and I don't want it.  I can barely take care of myself. I don't have the strength right now to take care of him too.

Like me, he's tried to keep a positive attitude - but unlike me he hasn't tried very hard. It lasts for about an hour, and then he allows his situation to get him down. And there are days I can't take it. Like tomorrow is a holiday and apparently the libraries are closed. He goes to the library during the day to have something to do. So what's he going to do tomorrow? Hopefully go to his dad's place to hang out a bit. But I feel like I should pick him up and do something with him, and I just can't.

I can't be everything to everyone. I have to be everything to ME first. And since I've put others ahead of myself my whole life, I think now I might be entitled to think of me once in awhile.

Ok, now that I've said all that, I think it's time to try and clean this house. And find out which roads are closed to get to work. And make sure I've got everything I need.

Can I just go back to bed?

Long Weekend Woes.

Ok, so here we go. We're approaching the long weekend.

I had a goal in mind this week to hit the gym every day. And I did it for the beginning - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yesterday I had all the best intentions to go. But around noon, I started to get really bad cramps, to the point where walking to my car was uncomfortable. Never mind half an hour on the treadmill at the gym. I figure it might be my body reacting to the amount of good food it's been consuming. Either way, I needed to get my paycheque and it was the last day of class. Which I couldn't miss. So I just went home, made myself a beef wrap (left over beef from Tuesday's tacos) and lay down for a bit. The cramps subsided but didn't completely go away, which left me uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

So as for today, I'm hoping to get there. I have to organize my schedule though. I need to get jello shooter cups, go home, have lunch and meet with my cousin whom I'm helping with a video audition that we have to get done before he has to leave for work at four. O_O

In the meantime, work is being done on the house - again. And I'm not sure if there's anything been taken out for dinner. I'm pretty sure the King of Take-out will want subs. I was really good yesterday. Went to a pub for a bite, and instead of getting crap, I got the grilled chicken sandwich with honey garlic sauce, on the side. Of course I got the sweet potato fries, but I had a weak moment. And I had perrier for a drink. I ate only half the bread, using my knife and fork instead of as a sandwich, and only used half the sauce, which was needed cuz the chicken was horrible. And when I got home, I didn't eat the sub hubby had for me - that's today's lunch - instead I just took my pills and went to bed.

I think I'm doing really well with the discipline in the eating department. This weekend will be the test. Not so much Saturday - for the bday party that is happening at our place, hubby is cooking everything himself. So while it might not be fat-free or light, at least I'll know exactly what's going into it.

What's going to kill me are the jello shots/alcohol. I love a good party like the rest of humanity, and I love jello shots. I make them incredibly potent. :D Just ask the bachelorette parties I've made them for.

Just emailing back and forth with Terry. And she made a comment that made me stop and think. She said "You're going to win this one." And she's right - there's no room for failure this time around. Not with everything I want to do in life.

So I will hit the gym today. Just working out the schedule with my cousin now. If I keep this up, there's nothing I can't do. Now if I could only get disciplined with my writing, I'd be laughing.

Getting it all...

"I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it NOW...." - Queen

Truer words were never spoken. I do want it all, and I'm trying to have it all.

Yesterday, I did it all - sort of. I came to work, I had my shake. I had strawberries for a snack. I went to the gym and did my half hour on the treadmill. And then I went to the grocery store, bought stuff for tacos, and went home to cook dinner, and play with my niece and nephew.

Trouble is, once the kids were gone, and before hubby got home, I did NOTHING. I'm addicted to the damn television. I need to get away from it. But it's not easy. The PVR makes it too easy to get the shows you know you're going to miss when you're out doing things that are supposed to get you away from the television.

But that's a different addiction to break. And I digress. I made a great dinner with fresh toppings and cleaned the kitchen, and proceeded to watch tv again. SIGH. I did remember to take my pills before bed. So I am doing stuff that's healthy for me. But I didn't get any writing done, no school work and I didn't put out those resumes I wanted to. It's like the second I get home, something sucks all the energy out of me.

Today, I am leaving here (work) to go to the gym. I'm going to shower there, pick up a six inch sub on my way downtown to the OTHER job, which I have to start at 3:30. I have brought healthy snacks with me, in order to try not to succumb to the temptations of the crap sold at the stands. 

Aaaand once again, I lost all train of thought. Damn it's tough to keep a thought in my head these days. I never used to get this distracted. Wondering if I should worry about this....?

Anyway, in five minutes it's time for me to depart, and begin the rest of my day. 

Until we meet again friends.