Nothing to fear but fear itself

Calling BULLSHIT on that.

I might be pregnant. And that is a terrifying thought in itself. Because as much as I lamented the lack of a child, the truth be told, I'd pretty much accepted that it's my lot in life. I'd learned to live with that.

Now here's the weird thing. My period is about ten days late. But I've had no sickness, no sore breasts, no signs at all. Which is bizarre in itself. And all three tests I've taken so far say negative. So now I have to get my blood tested. But I'm scared of either outcome.

Because if I'm not pregnant, then it means that there could very well be a serious medical issue as to why I haven't gotten my period yet. And that scares me.

And if I am pregnant, well,  I'M PREGNANT. Hello???? Hubby and I aren't getting along lately at all. Just last night he went to sleep downstairs because he refuses to do anything about his snoring and it's keeping me awake. But he got all pissy about it. Granted I was able to sleep. So I guess it can't be that bad. LOL. Ok, that's horrible. But maybe I'm just meant to sleep alone? My hearing is so sensitive when it comes to noise at night that it's annoying.

And I think I'm hearing things too at night. Voices, music....but no apparitions have made themselves known to me, so I'm not sure it's supernatural. But I digress - again. The point is that when i went to see my doctor, and brought up that mom still wants a grandchild from me, he looked at me pointedly and said "Why does she want to raise one on her own?". Which scares the CRAP out of me even more. I don't think I'd have the strength to terminate another one, but if it meant my own life? I'm not sure what kind of person that would make me.

I have been so horrible with my diet lately. Still off the shakes. Which means no healthy anything. And last night I was supposed to go to meeting #2 for OA. But I was feeling like shit, and I'm so worried about this that I just vegged on the couch. At least I wasn't there when hubby got home. I told myself I should get off the couch and do something before he got home and yelled. Fortunately I was standing at the bed sorting socks when he walked in. Looking useful, if not feeling it.

I haven't been to the gym either. I keep telling myself every day I'm going to go, but I don't. And today I have to go to work in Hamilstone, so there's no chance of being able to work out, shower and then get on the road to be there on time. I mean, realistically, I COULD, if I pushed it. But I'm not sure I'm up for it. But my body keeps getting bigger and uglier.

What if there's something seriously wrong with me? I don't have the money to be off work while I get it taken care of. And the gov't hardly pays anything for disability. I remember that from my heart attack. And mom can't afford to support me.

Hubby and I argued the other night, ironically the day after the ladies and I came back from our Buffalo trip. It was about money. He wants a separate bank account. I bring in less than half of what he does per paycheck, plus my second job which barely pays anything. But he says he wants us to have separate money. Which means I really have to hustle. Part of me wants that. At least I can attempt to put myself on a budget. He refuses to even try. But before we can separate bank accounts, he has to get us and KEEP us, in the black. Because no matter what, our account is ALWAYS $1000 in the hole come payday. If we can get from one payday to the next and our acc't balance is $0.00 after the bills get paid, then fine. Separate the accounts. But until that happens - forget it.

I think all the mess in my head is out now. I won't be able to get blood work done until Monday. I'm not sure what to cross my fingers for. Maybe early menopause?