Time

"Cause time won't give me time, and time makes lovers feel, like they've got something real. But you and me we know they got nothing but time..." - Culture Club

OK first off I feel really lousy right now. I mean, I've had my other blog for years and I've never written two posts in one day on it. Well, maybe once or twice, but that was playing catch up.

I did manage to get to the gym today. Was feeling pretty good about it too until an old injury flared up. I somehow, last September, managed to separate a tendon from the bone in my foot. Once in a while it kicks up with a roar. Today, my first day back at the gym in months, it chooses to remind me it's there.

FUCK. I have to keep reminding myself I'm not twenty anymore. I was just sitting in the tub, reading, when it occurred to me from out of the damn blue that I have to start using eye cream. Like WTF? When the hell did that happen? And HOW the hell are there so many of them out there? How do you even choose just one? Focus groups? Trial & error I'm betting. Part of me doesn't even want to bother. Why shouldn't I look like an old hag?

And then I get angry with myself for thinking that way. It's such a piss off. Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was staying out until 4am with my friends, drinking it up at the bars, hanging at Tim Horton's parking lot until one of us mentioned work the next day. How did it pass by so fast? I mean, look at me now. I'm 38, and really have nothing to show for my life. A miserable sham of a marriage where we love each other but KNOW that we're poisoning the other slowly. No kids. No house. Not even a decent career.

And you know, part of me doesn't give a rats ass. I'm thinking that somewhere in my subconscious, this is how I wanted my life to play out - to a certain degree. I think that I wanted no ties. I wanted to travel, to see the world. A mortgage, kids, career - would just hold me back. I am that type of free-spirit.

But I'm 30-fucking-8. I still get zits. I still want it all - and am fucking certain that there is a secret to having it all. I just haven't found it yet.

But while searching, maybe I can find the answers to other secrets in the universe.

Like what fucking eye-cream to use.