Uncertain

Ok, so it's Monday once again. Last night I worked harder at the second job, possibly harder than I have in a long time. And it wasn't even like I had to move or chase anyone, or even search. After all, once you've had a heart attack, people sometimes look at you as if you're fragile. And I'll be the first to admit, I've played up on it once or twice. Not because I don't want to work hard, but because I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to back up my team, that I'll let everyone down and then they'll never rely on me again. It's one of the reasons I'm so determined to lose weight. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines.I want to be someone they can count on. I want to be able to roam the bowl, or the lawns and not get tired, and be able to take out ejections. I've got the training. I want to use it.

On another note - got on the scale this morning. Talk about depressing. It's been two weeks since I've been doing these shakes. According to my scale, I've GAINED two pounds. I can't tell if my clothes feel loose or what. I'm really discouraged. Trying not to be - god knows I've been in the weight loss game long enough to know that results are not instant or even easy.

But I'm NOT giving up. I am dragging my exhausted ass to the gym today, even as I try to make excuses. "I'm too tired." ; "Last night killed me." ; "I need sleep." ; "I have homework." etc, etc, etc. Because the truth of it is, I'll leave work, go home, play with my nephew for half an hour, lock myself in my room and surf the net before starting on my homework. Or watch tv. And then when my niece gets up, I'll play with her until my brother picks them up.

So really, all I'm doing is making use of the time I would be wasting at home. And making good use of it.

So yeah, I think I'll do that.