Balance

I read an article today on Hello Giggles (an AMAZING website run by three amazing women - don't just click the link and read the article, browse the site) about PASSION. And after confessing to a few of hers, the author asks "What's YOUR passion?" And especially the way I've been feeling lately, it's like she wrote it just for me.

The truth is, I have many passions. All of them creative, all of them making up the very core of who I am. Some are yet unexplored due to monetary issues - such as my passion for traveling (although I don't know if that's so much a passion as a desire). But most of them I have experience with, just not enough drive. Does that make me less passionate about these things?

I don't know.

Example: I LOVE to perform. And I'm good. I'm not bragging; I'm stating a fact. I am the best talent you will never see. Because my skin isn't thick enough. I'm too sensitive. At least I was when I had the opportunity to do something with it. I acted. I did a show called Tony and Tina's Wedding. I've done an independent film - never did find out what happened to it. I've done extra work. I auditioned for Mamma Mia, and Rock of Ages. I'm not the best singer in the world, but I've got more heart than a lot of the singers that are getting record contracts.

See, at my age now, I know what I didn't back then. And while I'm still sensitive, I do believe I have the thick skin that the business requires. After all, who else do you know that wanted to audition for American Idol just so Simon Cowell could turn them down? Just me. But am I too old at 38? And what about my marriage? Do I drag him into the world of cattle call auditions, uncertainty and never being sure where my next paycheck is coming from? Or do I accept that I am too old, and it's a foolish dream?

I'm passionate about writing. I've been published. I haven't written the novel I've always planned on - yet. And I question if I'm good enough to produce a full-length novel. Or should I stick with the erotic shorts that I've had published? I seem to have better success that way.

I'm passionate about my family and friends. If I could give them my last cent, I would, just to make sure they're all taken care of. I'd gladly live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life if I could guarantee their futures.

I love school. I love taking courses to better my future. My problem is my brain can't concentrate on one thing for very long. Which is something that I need to address health wise. Maybe with my doctor. 

I feel old. I feel too old. Too old to start losing the weight I need to. Too old to even bother being passionate about anything anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. But sometimes, it takes too much energy to fight it.

I titled this post Balance - because I need to find it. And I don't know how. But I know that the only way I'll be able to really follow my passions, follow my dreams, is to find the balance in my life. Part of me thinks it starts by being organized. I wish I was - I try so hard to be. But it's like anything in my life. Once it starts to be like work, I give up. When I was a kid, I was amazing at everything - piano, soccer, jazz, tap, ballet, school...but once it started to require effort, I gave up.

Ideally, I'd like my days to look something like this:

6:00 -  out of bed, bright eyed and busy tailed and ready to face the day

6:30 - at the gym, ready for a quick invigorating workout, a shower and my morning shake

7:30 - out the door on my way to a job I love

8 - 5 - be a productive and incredibly organized asset to an amazing company where I get to flex my creative muscles and am appreciated for my insights and efforts

5:30 - arrive at home, change, tidy the bedroom, throw in a load of laundry and pour a glass of wine, with a delicious, healthy dinner simmering on the stove.

6:30 - dinner eaten (not in front of the television), and settling in for an hour to an hour and a half of consistent writing.

8:00 - off the computer to watch favourite tv shows while folding laundry, or checking out postings on audition boards for the weekends.

10:30 - a quick once over through the house, replacing out of place things, and then to bed, to read for half an hour only.

11:30 - fall into a deep, even slumber with sweet dreams


Are you laughing your ass off? Cuz I am. It's ridiculous. No one's day goes like that - no matter how much planning goes into it.

Realistically, I'd like my day to have time during my day to do the following:

• a quick work out
• job searching
• tidying the house (including laundry)
• an hour of writing  (at least)
• watching a favourite show or two (not ten - which takes time away from the above)
• cook a semi-nutritious meal

I know, that with my schedule now, there's no reason this can't happen. I know it can be done. And from there, it can move into a more "grown up" version of all of the above. Maybe once I get that together, I won't feel so old, I won't be so tired. And maybe I'll have the energy to follow my dreams.

And maybe, just maybe, one day you'll see me on your screen - big or small - or on a stage near you. You won't be able to miss me. I'll be the one glowing with the light of a dream come true.

Ok so the pic is badly shopped - I'm no expert!