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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Maybe some important stuff - I'm not sure anymore

I seriously think I might lose it. I'm not kidding. I'm surprised I haven't by now to be honest. With everything the last two years have thrown at me, I'm really honestly surprised I'm not a babbling mass of goo somewhere in a padded room with a cute white coat.

But I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much stronger I can be. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of my life. And wasn't that the whole point of this? To change my life. I try. I really do. For the first time in my life, I'm trying, even if it's getting hard. But it's getting to the point where it's too hard. It's just not fair. Well, I mean, I guess it is in it's own way. Life's not fair, so therefore it's fair. Because it's not fair for everyone. It's an equal thing - a balance if you will.

But some people are just able to focus, put aside all the bullshit and get through it to their goals. If I could just keep my focus, I think I'd be ok. But right now, I'm not. Just when I think I'm on the right track, life throws a giant obstacle on the track, and I have to derail or crash.

Like my food choices are back to being HORRIBLE. And I have no excuse for them, except that it seems a waste to cook for just me. But if hubby and I split up, I'm going to have to cook for myself anyway right? So it's a good practise to get into. The trouble is that I'm so exhausted when I walk in the house lately, all I do is flop in front of the television. And it's been three weeks since I've been to the gym. I'm so damn frustrated with myself I just want to scream and hide away.

Sometimes I just don't see the point. So I sit and watch tv. And then I get depressed. I mean, I know it's fake, don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. But some nights, I can't help but wonder if I'd had a show like Glee around when I was going through all my bullshit in high school, if somehow my life wouldn't be different today. I see Lea Michele's character of Rachel Berry as someone *I* was. Just not as driven. So, if I'd had this show around, and role models on tv like that instead of the getting-knocked-up-and-growing-up-fast type I'd had, would I have pushed myself?

Maybe. I'd like to think so. But I guess I'll never know, will I? The question is, do I allow her to be a role model to me now? Despite the fact that she's younger, do I take all that inspiration and move on to the second part of my life with the desire and dedication it'll take to get to where I want?

Or do I just accept that this crap shoot is my life? That I'm not special like I wanted to be? Do I accept that I'll never do anything brilliantly creative except sit in front of the television while my ass gets bigger and my second heart attack becomes inevitable?

I can't. But I don't know whether or not I have the courage to push as hard as I need to. Last night I went to bed convinced of the path I need to take, so sure that I'd be able to just jump into the routine I need and soon enough I'd be where I want. It's a great idea when you're in bed, and tomorrow is fresh, bright and new, but when the new day comes...well, resolve tends to crumble in the light of day.

I'm going to try. I'm really going to this time. I've never really succeeded at anything. I need to - it's about time in my life that I get to where I'm going. Or at least make an effort at the journey.

I need to make a break in some areas of my life. I don't know if I can - those are the scariest in the world. Letting go of things that you love - of people that you love. I've had to lose and let go of so many in the past two years without a choice, I don't know if I can willingly let go of others. Some days I'm just tempted to leave it all behind - my family, these two dead end jobs, my friends and so-called-friends (sometimes it's hard to tell who's who) - and just take off. A clean break from everything and starting over. People have done it before.

But I'm too much of a coward to do that. And in reality, my true friends are those I could never leave. And i really could never leave my family. Maybe if dad was still around - maybe if Janis had a reliable man in her life. Maybe if someone was able to take care of mom. But those are impossibilities and not even worth thinking about I guess.

Makes me wonder if it's worth having dreams sometimes. Am I off on another tangent? Yeah I guess I am.

Time to do something. Don't know what. But something.

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